Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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