Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize