it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize