if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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