Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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