I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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