Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
