how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So much Jack, so little girl.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize