maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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