I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
