She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
