Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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