theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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