Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
