I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize