it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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