Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
