She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
