I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize