You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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