The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
