He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
