Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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