I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
