But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
