there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
