i just wanna soil my oats bro
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
