It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
