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I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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