my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
