you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
