Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
