it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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