Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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