Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
