6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
