Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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