I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
