My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
