My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
