I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
