i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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