i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
