Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize