I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
is it fun? or sober?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
