i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
