The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
