Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize