somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize