Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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