i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
