im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
