I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
