I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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