just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Shame - the story of my life.
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