I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
stop calling my apartment porn island.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
