like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
