That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
