so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
