please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
