I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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