I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize