Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
