everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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