I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
