Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
