she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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