there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
