I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
