State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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