omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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