What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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