I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
