At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize